Russell Shaw’s timely new essay in The Atlantic addresses why allowing children to fail is essential to their ability to develop effective coping skills and grow into emotionally sturdy adults. Among his many important observations, Shaw notes the impact on children’s mental health when constant striving and perfectionism becomes the only goal. This process impacts parents, too, who worry that even the slightest misstep will lead their child to fall behind and not able to succeed in life. As Shaw notes, this approach often leads to the opposite outcome.
With over 20 years of experience working as a therapist in the DC area, I frequently see how constant striving and perfectionism impacts children and parents. Constant striving is something many of these highly accomplished parents know firsthand. Also, given the high degree of stress in the world today and worry for the future, I understand why many see constant striving as the best way to feel prepared.
Changing coping strategies that are driven by anxiety or fear is not easy. Helping individuals and families understand how they got here and the valid reasons why is an important first step.
I often use
Schema Therapy to provide a frame for this dynamic. Schemas are deeply ingrained patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One of the 18 schemas identified by Jeffrey Young PhD is
unrelenting standards. While having high standards is not necessarily problematic, constant striving and a need for perfectionism can contribute to a host of mental health challenges – including anxiety, depression, loneliness and shame.
When schemas activate, the behavior that ensues is called a mode.
Unrelenting standards often leads to
overcompensatory modes that convince people that perfectionism is laudable and should be the only desired goal.
Those with this schema-mode disposition can learn how this pattern evolved and, through experiential exercises, access healthier parts of themselves. Striving can still be a part of life, although when healthier modes are in charge one generally experiences a more balanced approach to achievement and better mental health.
Families, too, can benefit from working interpersonally on constant striving and perfectionism. I have found that
Attachment-Based Family Therapy (ABFT) offers a powerful frame to help families address this dynamic. Too often the families that Shaw describes do not know how to discuss the anxieties and fears that underlie
unrelenting standards. ABFT provides a structured frame to help youths express themselves from healthier, more vulnerable parts and also helps parents strengthen their natural caregiving instincts. Combined, these steps lead to powerful discussions, stronger parent-child relationships, and rethinking priorities.
If you are an individual or family struggling with
unrelenting standards and its impact on your wellbeing,
please contact me if you are interested in pursuing Schema Therapy, ABFT or would like more information.
