Do you often feel insecure about your relationship?

Insecurity, in some respects, is nothing new.  We encounter insecurity on a daily basis. Does my boyfriend like my cooking?   We’ve all heard the “do I look chunky in this dress”?  Or “will my boss like my presentation”?  We could go on, but you get the idea. What happens when you’re in a relationship and you feel insecure? This is much different and the underlying issues may surprise you.

If you feel the need to be controlled (and on the opposite end, control your partner), feel the desire to give too much of yourself ( or being overly pleasing), or struggling to feel intimate on an emotional level, you may unknowingly be dealing with a larger issue which is characterizes as Abandonment. 

Abandonment Schema generally surfaces when basic emotional needs are not met during childhood.  When a nurturing connection is broken as a result of an event such as losing one or both of your parents to death or even a divorce,  they manifest later in life through various actions that we don’t think about.

Learning to overcome Abandonment Schema is easier said than done because in many respects professional intervention is most successful.    There are some actions you can take in the interim such as being too hard (or beating up on yourself), putting your insecurity in your partner’s hands to help you, and taking 100% of the responsibility when your fear surfaces instead of asking your partner to intervene.

Schema Therapy will assist in helping clients meet their most basic emotional needs by diminishing the strength (intensity) of emotional memories and re-aligning the cognitive patterns connected to the schema.

Paul DelGrosso is an Advanced Schema Therapist, Supervisor, and Trainer with offices in Bethesda, Maryland and Washington, DC.  The next time you are feeling insecure about your relationship and need someone to speak to, contact us today.